… into the bowels of dell …

The following is a transcription of an ancient tome discovered at the foot of a dormant volcano in southern Italy. Its horrific depiction of a descent into Dell is believed to predate Dante’s tale of a similar voyage. The original author is unknown … and we can only surmise what became of such an ill fated soul …

9th circle = Received monitor ordered from Dell website. Set up monitor. 2 stuck pixels (one red, one green). Backlight terribly uneven (confirmed by wife). No big deal, I’ll just call for a replacement.

8th circle = Monitor has zero stuck pixel guarantee. Call Dell from work. After twenty six minutes and four transfers, I am told I must call from home so they can “troubleshoot” the monitor. Uh … how do you troubleshoot a dead pixel? They are like … stuck on. Curious …

7th circle = Call from home later that night. Call transferred at least six times. They hang up on me. Call back. After 8 transfers, I am told to call customer care. Not feeling so good about this. Customer Care … that sounds pretty good. They should be concerned about this right?

6th circle = Call customer care. They are closed.

5th circle = Next day. Call Dell again. Start keeping names. I speak with ?, ?, Monica, Andy, Deertjan. Couldn’t catch those first two names. I ask each one to speak with a manager, each person transfers me to the next. No manager. Deertjan hangs up on me. Wait … what was that sound … I smell sulfur.

4th circle = Call back. Speak with Rocky, Gordo, Susant, and Arut. Gordo. Is that really his name? And Rocky?!?! I know that the last movie bombed, but I had no idea that Stallone moved halfway across the world to work in a call center. Arut tells me that my monitor does not qualify for the warranty. I have had the monitor for less than two days. He gives me a case number and transfers me.

3rd circle = I speak with ? and then Aanchal. I convince (arch)Aanchal to let me speak with her manager. Sam (manager) gets on the phone. He tries to convince me that my monitor is not covered under the warranty. Next he will tell me that I am not Arman Bohn and that I am really Ted Snodgrass from Minnesota. Ted. TED!! Time to wake up Ted! NO!!!! I’m sweating, but I pull out of it. They won’t win. I direct him to Dell’s website that explicitly states the “no stuck pixels” guarantee. I am put on hold for another ten minutes. He gets back on the phone and tells me that he agrees that I should get a replacement monitor. He tells me to call tech support and gives me the number. I beg him not to transfer me. I tell him that I am Ted Snodgrass … just please don’t transfer me. He says “Thank you for calling Dell.” and hangs up.

2nd circle = I call tech support and am greeted by a computer voice that informs me (without any prior identification on my part) that my warranty has expired. The computer voice hangs up me. I call back again and again, but somehow my phone number triggers an auto-response that shuts me out (I do own a Dell computer that is out of warranty … but I’m not calling about that … I’m calling about the monitor I got two days ago)! They won’t even sick a human on me anymore. I get smart and trick robo-lady into thinking I want to purchase an additional warranty by pressing one. Eager to make more money; my call is allowed to go through.

1st circle = I speak with Laura and then TONY. He listens to me and looks up my case number. He puts me on hold over five times and I end up on the phone for 52 minutes, but I can take it. While waiting, I pry the phone away from my ear. Ear wax has grown out of my ear and connected to my phone. Cronenberg. Tony comes back on the line. What’s that? HUH??!?!?! I get authorized for a monitor replacement and the nightmare is over …

… FOR NOW …