… ten least favorite movies I actually tried to watch …

EDIT: OK, to clear up some confusion about this list … It is NOT a list of the Ten Worst Films Ever Made. It is a list of my LEAST FAVORITE films. They may not be the all-time most awful films, they are just my least favorite for a variety of reasons …

(In no particular order)

Bio-dome (1996)

I saw this one in the theater while going to college at Western Washington University. I think this might be the worst Pauly Shore movie. That’s saying something.

Excuse: I worked at the theater so it was free.

Honey I Blew Up the Kid (1992)

I was waaaay to old to be seeing this one in the theater. My cousin (who shall remain nameless) wanted to see a movie and this was the best he could come up with.

Excuse: I think we got up and left the theater when the giant baby rampaged through Las Vegas and ripped the Hard Rock Cafe sign out of the ground and started playing air guitar.

Paris, Je Taim (2006)

This one was a rental not too long ago. Offensively average film making. Sets the bar really low and fails to make it over the top.

Excuse: This one started a new policy of leaving the room and letting bad movies play out by themselves. The worst thing you can do to a movie is force it to play to an empty room.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

Ok … this one is a cop-out I know. EDIT: Everyone Many people on earth agree this movie blows. I just have to cast my vote as a human being and let it be known that I agree wholeheartedly.

Excuse: I grew up with the originals (some of my all time favorite films), so I had no choice … no choice … no choice. I just felt let down. Now, EP. II: Attack of the Clones is another story. That was killer.

Inland Empire (2006)

Let me just say the David Lynch is one of my favorite directors. This movie pushed me over the edge. Three and a half hours of handy-cam filmed without a script.

Excuse: Elephant Man, Lost Highway, Dune, Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive …

Lady in the Water (2006)

M. Night Shyamalan’s epic tale of that guy from that “indie” movie about wine and some creature that has a name that sounds like the sniveling mascot of the 1980’s cartoon the Thundercats.

Excuse: Sometimes you just keep your fingers crossed and hope you find a guilty pleasure or a movie so bad that it’s good. I wish I had my “let the movie play alone” policy in place when I saw this one.

Cat Ballou (1965)

We just watched this movie the other night. Jane Fonda is supposed to be super hot and hey … musical comedy western sounds good. Right?

Wrong.

Excuse: Netflix computerized recommendation system thought it was a “movie I would love”.

Pi: Faith in Chaos (1998)

This was one of those 90’s breakthrough “indie” films. Even before I started to study physics, the film’s “science and math” premise was like fingernails across a chalkboard to me.

Excuse: Well … I actually thought I would like this one.

Contact (1997)

A watered down version of a Carl Sagan film put together with an “After School Special” flavor. Very long and the whole “alien-on-a-computer-animated-beach-is-really-my-dad” twist ending just blew.

Excuse: As a classic sci-fi buff, I thought I would give some modern stuff a chance. Heck, Carl Sagan was pretty awesome, but this was just cheese.

K-Pax (2001)

Is Kevin Spacey really a space alien from another galaxy? The suspense is killing me!!!

Excuse: Can I have my two hours back please. Someone told me there was a K-pax II (book) and I almost died … instantly.

… spell check …

Spell check is greet! Ass a child, I all ways had trouble with spelling. I wood sound out the words ant get low scours on my tests.

Now, whiff computers so in grained in hour lives, we have a dependable solution to this deli Ema. Computers contribute to hour lives in sow many weighs. Four instants, the electronic voting matching half replaced the paper ballot in sum places. Rode sines have become computerized ass well.

Be four computers, I was ready to through in the towel and quiet. Now, my new found spelling ability steels the shoe. Ale never be afraid to misspell a word a gin.

BUTT …

I wood stoop using grammar check, I think it is mist up.

… life terms for the Supreme Court? …

On this election day I was struck by a thought. Our Constitution is so old and potentially dysfunctional in many ways. I don’t want to be the harbinger of sci-fi doom but …

Our Supreme Court Justices are endowed with life long terms. Back when the Constitution was written, life long meant about forty five or so years. Now we’ve almost doubled that and the rate isn’t on a linear slope. Medical science is taking us on an exhilarating sleigh ride to old age.

Don’t you think the ol’ Constitution needs an overhaul? Do we really need people to be our Chief Justices for like 30 … 40 … 50 … or 100 years? I’m not speaking fantasy land here. This is for reals. I don’t want someone that is three or four generations removed from current society interpreting the Constitution.

I guarantee this will become an issue in my lifetime. I plan on living until I’m at least 175.

Don’t even get me started on the Electoral College.

… why I have three identical guitars …

Why do I have three identical guitars? I get that question almost without fail when people see my setup.

Well … I am not a guitar collector. These are relatively cheap Artcore hollow body guitars. They sound alright and play well. Isn’t one enough???

The thing is … I make up my own tunings. I started doing this way back when I started playing guitar when I was 14. I started by just dropping the E string down to ridiculously low notes (like the A below the E). This evolved over time and by the time I was in the band “Shed” I started creating complete guitar tunings.

I’ve never known the the notes for the tunings. I have intervals between the notes memorized.

I used to make my own electric guitars by piecing together various necks, pickups, and bodies. The first guitar I even owned (well … ok the SECOND) was a red Fender Strat. This guitar was hacked, chopped, soldered, gouged, sanded, painted, modified and otherwise mutated into what I called the “K1″.

You can find evidence of my insanity here and here.

I put together several guitars back in the day. No two guitars that I made would ever sound the same (output and harmonic content), due to my less than stringent manufacturing process.

When I started playing live a few years back in “The Misadventures of Two”, I needed a way to switch quickly between three main tunings on stage without drastically changing my tone. The Artcore guitars sounded good and were flexible enough to allow for the very heavy baritone strings that I use for some of the tunings.

So … now I have triplicate guitar redundancy. Whew!

… Demons to Diamonds reconfig …

Yet another song gets reconfigured to my -18db “baseline”. “Demons to Diamonds” … a strange two player game in which you shoot demons and they turn into … well … diamonds (or maybe skulls if you are unlucky).

According to my super master plan, I still need to re-record the vocals, electric guitar and clean up some drum stuff.

Listening back today, I feel like the guitars are sitting in the mix well. There are a few spots where I need the tone to change fairly drastically, so I’ll have to hit those up. I’m not sure if this song is next on the list as I finish up “Atlantis” … I might need to draw straws or something.

… Armanium VSTi progress …

I used the ol’ Johnny 5 setup to stereo mic the first set of Armanium VST samples. It’s a stereo pair of Oktava MC-012 mics with cardioid capsules in X-Y configuration. To change the pitch of the glass, I slowly added water and checked my pitch with a tuner. The more fluid in the wine glass, the lower the pitch.

The wine glasses we have at the house only provided 7 discrete notes, so I’m going to have to find some bigger (and smaller) ones to fill out the octaves.

I’m using a free program called Wavosaur to tag the .wav loop points. My idea to produce stereo samples is out the window due to the way the mics captured the phase of the glass. One channel would be at a peak point while the other would be crossing zero. I can’t find decent loop points that don’t click … so mono it is.

… 1st grade Halloween costume …

Halloween … first grade.

My mom bought me a little plastic container filled with that fake skin putty. I had a pair of blue jeans torn at the knee.

I molded the putty around the tear and made it look like I had an enlarged kneecap. I dragged my leg behind me and told people I was Igor.

That was it. I didn’t even have a hump on my back.